Why is life so full of twists and turns that you never know what is going to happen? Why is life so full of nasty shocks and surprises, things you never expect to happen to you? Why is life so miserable, with days after days full of misery? Why am I filled with only one emotion everyday? Have all my other emotions turned into stone? I feel sadness. Happy? Is there such a word? Why isn't it in my vocabulary at all?

I started out this year full of high hopes, hoping to achieve better things than last year, hoping to learn more than I have ever before. Why is everybody opposing me? I am trying hard to be good, why why is everybody saying that I am bad? I just want to be a carefree person, but why do things not turn out the way I wanted?

Everybody is accusing me, no one is believing in me. I felt depressed many a times, and saw no one by me to comfort me and cheer me up. Whenever I felt depressed, I will always look at the clear blue sky above my head, taking comfort that God is always watching out for me. It helps. I do not feel so sad anymore. But, this happiness never last.

I always started the day, full of anticipation of exciting events either in school, my personal life or with my friends. I was always disappointed. Things did not turn out the way I want it to be. I was hit a major blow last year in November. I was really very depressed and cried almost everyday before coming to terms with it. My family members tried to cheer me up. I knew they put in a lot of effort but nobody will really understand. Thank God now I am ok.

That major blow left a great hole in my heart. I know that in a matter of years, my heart will be filled with holes, and it will be broken. I decided not to let that major blow break my heart and decided to live my life normally like any other teenager. I failed. Events in life left many holes in my heart. Big holes which can never be mended.

I cried over things that people may think small but are great and huge things to me. I don't know the reason, but I think the closest answer that I can think of was that my heart was filled with lots and lots of holes. Holes that I wanted so much to mend but knew that it can never be mended, never.

Why am I running a lifelong race, but do not have any supporters to cheer me on? Why am I walking endlessly in a tunnel but do not see light anywhere? Why am I swimming frantically in a torpedo? Why am I stranded on an island which has no way out? Why am I being pushed by a strong current which does not stop at all? I felt like giving up. Life is misery. I could not do anything about it. I don't know how to control my life. I am reaching the point of threshold and I knew that once I reached it, I can never turn back.

People make me depressed. my depressness are all caused by outside factors. I know that. If I am the only human on earth, I will not be the state that I am in now. I cared too much on what people think of me. I did not want them to get the wrong idea about me and tried to explain to them. They didn't want to listen. I know that now.

From now on, I DON'T WISH, DON'T WANT, and DON'T CARE of how people want to think of me anymore. They can wrongly accuse me for all I care but as long as my conscience is clear, I can sleep without worries. That shall be my motto in life......

Joanna