Why is life so full of twists and turns that you never know what is going to happen? Why is life so full of nasty shocks and surprises, things you never expect to happen to you? Why is life so miserable, with days after days full of misery? Why am I filled with only one emotion everyday? Have all my other emotions turned into stone? I feel sadness. Happy? Is there such a word? Why isn't it in my vocabulary at all?

I started out this year full of high hopes, hoping to achieve better things than last year, hoping to learn more than I have ever before. Why is everybody opposing me? I am trying hard to be good, why why is everybody saying that I am bad? I just want to be a carefree person, but why do things not turn out the way I wanted?

Everybody is accusing me, no one is believing in me. I felt depressed many a times, and saw no one by me to comfort me and cheer me up. Whenever I felt depressed, I will always look at the clear blue sky above my head, taking comfort that God is always watching out for me. It helps. I do not feel so sad anymore. But, this happiness never last.

I always started the day, full of anticipation of exciting events either in school, my personal life or with my friends. I was always disappointed. Things did not turn out the way I want it to be. I was hit a major blow last year in November. I was really very depressed and cried almost everyday before coming to terms with it. My family members tried to cheer me up. I knew they put in a lot of effort but nobody will really understand. Thank God now I am ok.

That major blow left a great hole in my heart. I know that in a matter of years, my heart will be filled with holes, and it will be broken. I decided not to let that major blow break my heart and decided to live my life normally like any other teenager. I failed. Events in life left many holes in my heart. Big holes which can never be mended.

I cried over things that people may think small but are great and huge things to me. I don't know the reason, but I think the closest answer that I can think of was that my heart was filled with lots and lots of holes. Holes that I wanted so much to mend but knew that it can never be mended, never.

Why am I running a lifelong race, but do not have any supporters to cheer me on? Why am I walking endlessly in a tunnel but do not see light anywhere? Why am I swimming frantically in a torpedo? Why am I stranded on an island which has no way out? Why am I being pushed by a strong current which does not stop at all? I felt like giving up. Life is misery. I could not do anything about it. I don't know how to control my life. I am reaching the point of threshold and I knew that once I reached it, I can never turn back.

People make me depressed. my depressness are all caused by outside factors. I know that. If I am the only human on earth, I will not be the state that I am in now. I cared too much on what people think of me. I did not want them to get the wrong idea about me and tried to explain to them. They didn't want to listen. I know that now.

From now on, I DON'T WISH, DON'T WANT, and DON'T CARE of how people want to think of me anymore. They can wrongly accuse me for all I care but as long as my conscience is clear, I can sleep without worries. That shall be my motto in life......

Joanna



Hi, it's me again. I have come to make my blog lively. Thanks Yan Jun and Sherlyn for flooding my tagboard. I encourage more people to do so. Sherlyn spread her abit abit disease to me and people are starting to get irritated. LOL

Went for a talk with Miss Ling in some air-conditioned room with Sherlyn and we were like all laughing, haha. Did not go for choir, oops as I got got tuition that day. Wan Si said that it was not official so I don't have to take leave form.

Yesterday, I went to National University Hospital to select a date for my operation. It was a bit fun you know. When I first reached the hospital, I was brought to a scoliosis consultant room and the doctor was telling me about the risk of my surgery and bla bla bla. He then measured my spine by asking me to bend down and recorded my measurements.

I had a 43 degree curve on my thoracic spine and a 34 degree curve on my lower back spine. The doctor then said lots of stuffs about puberty but then I was not really listening and was like looking round the room and playing with my sister.

He then asked me if I would like to donate blood and I told him that I am underage and underweight. He told me that weight was not important and to donate blood, you just need to be heavier than 25kg. When I heard that, I was like...... not knowing what to say.

I thought I just went to the bloodbank a week before and learnt that you must be at least 16 years old and weigh at 45kg to donate blood? When did the requirement change? I asked the doctor about it and he insisted that his answer was correct. I was really too confused to probe further.

I know what you all must be thinking. Why am I donating blood? The reason is because the doctor said that if I take blood from the bloodbank, I might get some type of disease or my body would reject the blood and it may be fatal. The diseases are HIV, hepatitis B and C and a very long name which I had forgotten.

No doubt that the blood had already been screened but there is still a window period and just to be on the save side, I decided to donate my own blood. Quite cool right?

Then, I was brought to another room where 2 nurses helped to choose the date for my operation. The date is on 27th of May which means that I will be skipping choir camp. I also have to go to NUH on 20th May to take the bending x ray test to determine if I am the suitable candidate for the keyhole surgery so I will not be going to school on that day.

After that, the nurses told me to choose my ward class. I wanted a C class ward but in the end, we chose a B2 ward. The estimated total fee added up to about $11 000. HELP! The nurses there arranged me to be in a children's ward so that one of my parents can stay over in the hospital for the night. I will also get more care from the nurses than if I stayed in the children's ward. I think I really needed that.

Counting the days to my operation, approximately 4 more months. Time flies indeed! Blog till here now.

Will update soon :)

Joanna